In 2004, I started reading Dr. Phil McGraw’s book Self-Matters
it is the first place I heard of and learned about the concept of elf-talk or
the inner voice. I love the way he explained it. What I took away from it was
the concept of a quietly running tape which urns underneath all the other
voices in your life and this voice is the one where people live from. It is
based on all the things you heard as a child not only about yourself but about
the way life works in general these are the voices primarily of your parents.
Therefore, it is what we hear our parents say about us and life that creates
the foundations of our inner voice. As a parent coach, this caused me to step
back and examine my whole concept of what it means to be an effective parent. I
have concluded that effective parents have several things in common when it
comes to creating a positive inner voice for themselves first and as a result
for their children. I have found this can help even if their children go
differing messages early if parents are willing to communicate these inner
changes with their kids.
1.
Authenticity
2.
Examination of own Inner Voice
3.
Recognition of Values and Self
4.
Positive Parenting
Authenticity
is defined as living a life true to yourself. I believe authenticity is about
aligning your life so the following parts of you are congruent.
·
Beliefs
·
Thoughts
·
Feelings
·
Words
·
Actions
As I was reading Dr. Phil’s book it began to occur to me I
had no real idea what my self-talk was and how it was shaping my life. I began
to wonder if other people felt the same way. At the time, I was working with a
group of moms and I began to talk with them about what I was reading and how it
was affecting my life and I wondered what they thought. It was amazing every
woman in the group of 12 shared the same feeling.
Exploring your own
self-talk-taking the time to stop and get your mind and surroundings as
quiet as possible while thinking about a decision. Finding out what our own
inner voice was saying and deciding about whether this is what we wanted for
our lives. We began to think about and create a space where we could be open
and vulnerable with one another about how do develop our own self-talk. As we
did so something interesting started to happen, the kids started to respond
differently to how we interacted with them. Upon reflection, we recognized in
developing our own connection with our inner voice it causes significant
changes in our outer voice as well. This is where I began to realize that
authenticity is the true foundation of parenting. I call authenticity living a
life based on what I truly believe, and let that be the basis from which I
think, say, feel, and act. Bringing my life into congruence. This causes me to
be clearer on what I want and what I expect. Living an authentic life is not
easy. If you want to learn more about it. I wrote a post for Inspire
Me Today which gives a short post on how to start.
Exploring your
values and goals-Being authentic is primarily about exploring who you
are and what you want in your life. I have created a list of ten questions I
ask every client today. You can use them to help you think not only about the
values you consider important. But, also why they are important to you.
- What is the most important thing in your life?
- What is your biggest dream?
- Who are the most important people in your life and why?
- If you could do anything in the world for your work life,
what would it be?
- If you could do anything in your personal life what would it
be?
- What do you spend the most time doing?
- In one to three sentences write down what you would want
people to say about you after you die.
Are you living in a way in which people would say that?
8. What are your most important roles in
life? Why? (I.e. mother, father, sister,
friend)
- What would you say living a spiritual life is to you?
10.
If you could sit down to dinner with three
important people in your life dead or alive and have; what three people would
you ask> What would you ask them?
These questions get down to the core of your belief system
and therefore get to the heart of what your inner voice is saying to you. It
was not until I came up with this list and answered the questions myself that I
began to really define what my life was about and why. It was this
understanding which gave me the courage to strike out on my own and start a
nonprofit organization based on effective parenting. I firmly agree with Dr.
Phil when he says, “you can’t lead where you haven’t been”. We adults need to
know, understand, and adjust our own inner voice to be a positive one before we
can ever get our children’s inner voice to be positive. This is because it is
our voice which forms the foundation for the future inner voice of our kids. If
we are not positive, they will not be either. How we answer the above 10
questions will help to know what you value and why. Once we know this we can
then step back and examine how we feel about things and weigh what we think,
say, and do based on these insights. Here is how we change our voice.
·
Know our values and why we think they are
important.
·
Based on these values create positive statements
to replace the negative ones which may come up.
·
When making decisions listen to our inner voice
for any negative feedback.
·
Speak out loud the new positive statement you
have created. (Saying the statement out loud short-circuits the inner voice and
instead hardwires the statement over it.)
·
Observe the changes in yourself and those around
you as you work on re-working your inner voice.
Words really are the most powerful force of the universe, we
can use our own words to change our own inner voice and shape the inner voice
of our children.
Positive Parenting
If you have been reading this blog for any length of time
you know it is all about positive parenting. So, I will just give you my take
on what it looks like for me. One thing I often tell parents is you are not
raising a child you are grooming a person to live in the adult world. The truth
is 75% of your relationship with your child will be on an adult to adult level.
Therefore, it is important to remember that eventually you want to be close
friends with this person you now hold in your arms. While for the first 18
years they need you to be their parent first and not necessarily their friend;
they still need to be treated with love and respect. My mother was great at
positive parenting she respected us and gave my sister and I real tools to
develop positive inner voices. One thing she did is she never let us win at
anything if we won it is because we beat her. I remember the first time I beat
my mother playing Scrabble I was so excited. My mother was a word smith as a
voracious reader and a Liberian she knew words. For me to beat her in a game we
started playing to help my sister and I with spelling, it gave me a real sense
of pride. She gave me the respect of learning to win and growing as a person to
think about strategy and effort in playing the game. Based on this I think positive
parenting in my thoughts requires three things.
·
A relationship based on mutual respect and love.
·
Rules and consequences for the family
·
A parent focused on building a strong, deeply committed
relationship with their child at every stage of development
Mutual Respect and Love
There are times when we as adults tend to forget that kids are
people too. These small beings while in our care and need our protection and
love. They are their own separate beings with their own purpose for being on
the planet. As those who care for them it is our duty to ensure they are
treated with the greatest level of care and respect. Mainly because how wo
treat them defines for them how they should be treated. While we call them our
children they are only ours for a little while until we launch them out into
the world to establish and develop their own way of living and serving. This
suggest that as they ae developing it is our duty to help them learn about the
world and how to engage. The first thing they need to learn is what it means to
be loved and respected. In laying the foundation for a positive inner voice it
is these two attributes which lay the first blocks of the foundation to
building it.
Rules and Consequences
I firmly believe in family contracts. There are many versions,
however the one I promote has a list of rules, rewards and consequences. This
family contract works in the following way:
·
The parents first decide on the non-negotiables
things everyone must abide by no matter what.
·
The whole family sits down and talks about the
rules, rewards the family or individual gets at the end of the week for
following all the rules, and what light, medium, and hard consequences the
person must do if the rule is broken.
·
The rules, rewards, and consequences are written
and hung up on the wall as the family contract.
·
Everyone in the family must pay the consequences
for not following the rule including Mom and Dad.
I really like this form of training kids to follow the
rules. I like it for three reasons. First, it puts more power in the hands of
the children. They know what the rule and the consequences are ahead of time.
It gives them an understanding about choosing the correct behavior. Secondly,
it takes the parent out of the bad guy role. Kids know the rules if they choose
to break them the consequences have already been established and the children
participated in choosing them. Finally, I like the fact that if Dad breaks the
rule he also pays the consequence teaching children that even adults must
follow the rules. This form of a family contract supports the development of a
positive inner voice as children see they can have control over their own lives
and develop a sense of self-control.
Strong Relationships
As in any relationship building getting to know a person
takes spending time, and building a shared history. However, it also takes a
good bit of communication. For parents and children this means spending as much
time together as possible dong activities which allow for both conversation and
building memories. Things like cooking together, going to the zoo, seeing a
play or movie and discussing the likes and dislikes of what was portrayed,
building a tree or play house in the back yard and discussing the design; it is
doing these things together and getting involved which builds an interaction
which builds and strengthens relationships. Kids know their parents are the
most important adults in their lives it is the fact that parents take the time
to not only do things with them but talk with them. It makes them feel valued
and important to you which in turn give them a positive inner voice which says;
“I Must be important my Mom and Dad think so.” Try these things.
·
Take at least 15 minutes each day to have some
one on one time with each child. Ask an open-ended question which does not
require a yes or no answer like-what was the best thing that happened in your
day today?
·
Have you thought of any more rewards you would
like us to do as a family?
·
Is there anything you would like to say to me or
talk to me about?
·
What is one thing I can do this week to help
you?
·
What do you think we could do to make our family
life better for everyone?
When you ask these questions listen to the answer. Ask
questions to clarify and them give open and honest responses. Talking and
relation to one another’s ideas is another way to grow a relationship with our
kids. It is what we do and say everyday which is the foundation of building our
children’s inner voice. Creating positive memories, thoughts, and experiences
in what we say and do is what creates an inner voice which is positive and
confident. If you would like more on my thoughts on positive parenting you can
read the blog I wrote for Kars4Kids
here.
Putting it into Practice
I think you can do several things over the next few weeks
which will help you begin to start building a foundation to help your child
build a positive inner voice.
2-minute Action Plan
·
Click on the link for Self-Matters and order the
book.
·
Go to your child and give them a hug. Tell them
three positive things you like about them and why.
Long-term Action Plan
1.
Begin to really catch yourself saying negative
things. Come up with one positive statement to say instead. (Example: I need to
lose weight. Replace with: I need a fit and healthy body.)
2.
Get a journal and answer the 10 Values questions
and get clear on what is important to you and begin to think and talk about it
with friends, family, and the kids.
3.
Start spending at least 15 minutes of
uninterrupted time with each child. (Read a book, talk, make dinner together,
just get alone and communicate us the open-ended questions above.)
The original question of this article was “How do you ensure
your child has a positive inner voice?” The answer is first every parent needs
to develop their own positive inner voice. Then use the tools they developed to
create their own inner voice to help their child do the same. Good Luck, You
CAN do this!
Believe in Parenting!
Want more information? ptanda.org
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